Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
