Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
