she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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