On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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