I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Randomize
