dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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