I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
