Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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