life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
