Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Found your dick twin last night
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
