fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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