I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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