i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
