I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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