Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
