you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
