she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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