his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
