I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
