Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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