I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize