I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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