Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Randomize
