Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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