just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
