he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
