Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
