i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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