Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
