Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pappa wants mamma naked
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
