If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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