He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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