i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Randomize
