im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
