Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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