Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Operation Purity has been aborted
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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