Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
