When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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