I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
they're like a gay fantastic four
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
