my mouth tastes like poor choices
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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