if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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