Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
