I want to stick my p in your. b.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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