i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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