look no pants
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
