my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
