some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
