you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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