I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My underwear smells like fireworks.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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