Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
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