I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
