Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
