As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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