Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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